Part 4. My Heart, Like the Sea

100 | Dream Becomes Reality
If you died, what would happen to me?

Gu Mingxi returned to Shark’s house and his whole family was gathered around the TV. The little Tian Tian happily ran over when she saw him walk through the door. She called out, “Uncle!”

She seemed to like Gu Mingxi very much. He smiled and crouched down to welcome her hug as Tian Tian ran into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek.

Shark called out to Gu Mingxi, “Kid, come over to eat fruit and watch TV.”

Gu Mingxi shook his head. “Not this time. I had a bit to drink, so I want to wash up and rest.”

Shark asked, “Do you need my help?”

“No…” Just as he opened his mouth, he started to regret it immediately. “Shark, I really do need your help today. Can you help me take off my clothes?”

Shark looked him over, and then he laughed as the two of them headed up the stairs. “You’re dressed very nicely today.”

He laughed sheepishly, his emotions still in a flurry.

Shark helped him take off his s.h.i.+rt and pants, and then Gu Mingxi headed into the bathroom. As he was about to shower, he suddenly thought of Pang Qian’s words again.

Clothes off, he stood in front of the mirror and looked back at his reflection.

Gu Mingxi was already 27 years old, not young anymore. After all the struggles he went through, his face looked older than others his age, like Xie Yi. Although his lips were still red and his skin still tender, Gu Mingxi had some wrinkles around his eyes.

He’d have to study for a year in preparation. A 28 year old man going to take the college entrance exams. Wasn’t that more like a fantasy than real life?

Under the parasol tree in the park, Pang Qian told Gu Mingxi that she’d spoken to Teacher Dai privately during dinner. Teacher Dai was the vice princ.i.p.al at Fifth High and there were new teachers joining every year. She said that Fifth High was a top high school, and the teachers at those kinds of schools usually went to graduate school. It wasn’t as severe for junior high schools though, and an undergraduate degree would suffice.

Pang Qian asked about primary school.

Teacher Dai said that for most primary schools, an undergraduate degree was enough, and sometimes even junior college graduates could work there. There were some teachers who didn’t study education, but if they excelled in their field, that would also sometimes be sufficient.

Pang Qian told Gu Mingxi, “Do you want to keep teaching? If you do, then we’ll just both work really hard. When Teacher Dai heard about your experience in Sanya, she said that if you could get your undergraduate diploma, she could help you find a job later on.”

For Gu Mingxi, school and studying had already long ago become a dead dream. He thought that he would never return to the school campus for the rest of his life. But when he heard Pang Qian’s words, he had a hard time digesting it. He said, “But even if I can get into a college, by the time I finish, I’ll already be 32.”

“So what?” Pang Qian’s eyes sparkled. “There’s no age restriction on the college entrance exam. Who said that only teenagers could go to school?! Have you seen on the news? A few years ago, a 60 year old grandpa partic.i.p.ated in the entrance exams too. You’re still so young!”

“But…” Gu Mingxi still felt like he was in a dream. Pang Qian reached over to his crippled shoulders and said gently, “I know you’re apprehensive, Gu Mingxi. You won’t be alone at school. I’ll go with you, I’ll go to graduate school. You don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll always be here with you.”

Gu Mingxi looked at himself in the mirror once more. He wriggled his shoulders and the skin and bones there moved oddly. For nearly his entire life, there had been a lot of people who pitied Gu Mingxi. His clever brain, elegant appearance, and his family background. If that accident hadn’t happened, he would have become the pride of everyone. He’d have become some expert in a field.

“If” has always been a very cruel thing. Right now, Gu Mingxi’s physical state means that he won’t be able to work most jobs. It’s a regret that he’ll carry all his life, something he can’t reverse. But Gu Mingxi still had the chance to change his fate, little by little.

–Do you want to keep teaching?

–Yes.

It wasn’t a glamorous job and it didn’t pay exceptionally well. It was tough, complicated, with a lot of pressure. Sometimes you came across unreasonably parents. But this profession gave thousands of families hope. As a responsible teacher, one could change many lives, just like Dou Dou’s.

Gu Mingxi looked at his reflection, and his gaze slowly became determined. He knew that his fighting spirit had been ignited. His dream that had been sleeping all these years was finally awakened.

 

After Pang Qian sent Gu Mingxi back to Shark’s house, she returned home to the Prosperous North. After she parked her car, she carried her bag out and heard a humming sound nearby.

As she walked, she suddenly heard a low voice say, “Qian Qian.”

Pang Qian was startled. She turned around, and under the courtyard lights, she saw Gu Guoxiang.

It had been many years since she’d seen Gu Guoxiang. The last time must have been back in high school, before the college entrance exams. She was chatting with Gu Mingxi in Apt. 502 when Gu Guoxiang came over looking for Li Han.

She hadn’t seen him in eight years. Gu Guoxiang was no longer the graceful and extraordinary man in Pang Qian’s memories. He’d gotten a lot older, the wrinkles heavy on his face, and he’d put a bit of weight. No matter how you looked at him, he was definitely a man over 50.

“Uncle… Gu?” Pang Qian asked, guarded. “Are you here to see my parents? They’re upstairs.”

“No, Qian Qian, I came to see you.” Gu Guoxiang walked over to Pang Qian. After a bit of silence, he got to the point and asked, “Has Mingxi come back?”

Up close, Pang Qian could see even more clearly how Gu Guoxiang had aged. His dyed hair was growing out white at the roots. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Behind his gla.s.ses, he squinted his eyes, and then asked again, “Qian Qian, tell me. Has Mingxi come back?”

Pang Qian was silent for a long while, and then she finally nodded. “Mm, he came back.”

“Why didn’t he look for me?” Gu Guoxiang sounded unhappy and also a bit suspicious. “Do you have his phone number? Can you give if to me? Qian Qian, it’s already been so many years since I’ve seen him. I really miss him.”

Pang Qian blinked her eyes and then pulled out her phone. “Uncle, give me your phone number. I’ll let Gu Mingxi call you.”

“I haven’t changed my number. Mingxi knows it.”

Pang Qian lowered her phone. “Uncle, I’m sorry, I can’t give you his phone number. I have to ask for his considerations.”

“Nonsense! Qian Qian, how can not understand things? Mingxi too! He was away for so many years! And when he comes back, he doesn’t contact me! Does he still consider me his father?!” Gu Guoxiang was a bit angry, and his leaders.h.i.+p senses came out. He felt that he was the senior here and Pang Qian was of the younger generation. He’d already searched her out and asked her calmly, so how could she make him lose so much face.

Pang Qian looked at him a bit blankly. Then she said, “Uncle, did you know that Gu Mingxi quit school?”

Gu Guoxiang was taken aback, and then he grew shocked. “Mingxi quit school?! When did this happen?”

“You didn’t know?” A snicker escaped from her lips. “That means that in all these years, you hadn’t once gone to B University to check up on him. Otherwise, how could you not know? He quit after his first year there.”

Gu Guoxiang’s face turned red and white. Pang Qian said, “Uncle, I’m younger than you and there are some things I shouldn’t say to you, because it’s very impolite. But I can’t stop myself. Uncle, you’ve never once sought out Gu Mingxi in all these years, so what right do you have to tell him to search you out now that he’s back?”

Pang Qian didn’t hide this meeting and she told Gu Mingxi all about it. Gu Mingxi thought it over all night, and then the next day, he called Gu Guoxiang.

The two of them met at a cafe. They didn’t hug or greet each other. They didn’t have a long-awaited, moving reunion. And there was definitely no crying scene. Gu Mingxi sat down across from Gu Guoxiang and looked at his father. He spoke quietly, “Dad.”

His expression was calm and even, neither happy nor angry, just like a stranger’s. Gu Guoxiang felt a knife cutting into his heart. He would have rather seen Gu Mingxi glare at him with hatred, to denounce him loudly. At least then he would know how to react. Maybe he would have cried painfully and embraced his son. He would apologize, repent, and then win his son’s forgiveness.

But Gu Mingxi’s expression didn’t waver in any way. He just smiled lightly and said, “Dad, how have you been?”

Gu Guoxiang was startled. He nodded, “Alright.”

He asked Gu Mingxi about his situation the past years, and Gu Mingxi responded simply. So simply that he covered six or seven years worth of time in just two minutes.

Even with Li Han’s death, he spoke succinctly.

Gu Guoxiang wanted to ask for more details, but Gu Mingxi just smiled and shook his head. “Dad, what’s pa.s.sed has pa.s.sed. There’s no need to talk about it anymore.”

Okay, Gu Guoxiang thought. He asked abotu Gu Mingxi’s future plans instead. Gu Mingxi said, “I’m teaching in Sanya. I have to return before winter break ends.”

Gu Guoxiang asked, “Are you together with Qian Qian now? I mean… Are you two dating?”

Gu Mingxi nodded without a word.

Gu Guoxiang asked again, “When do you plan to return to E City to stay?”

“I’m not sure yet.” Gu Mingxi continued smiling. “Dad, don’t worry. Even when I come back, I won’t bother you. You don’t have to be so concerned about me. I can take care of myself.”

Gu Guoxiang nearly acted on his anger over how Gu Mingxi glossed over everything with those words. But when he saw Gu Mingxi’s calm expression, he suddenly felt cold inside. Because he’d suddenly become aware that Gu Mingxi wasn’t angry at him, but rather had spoken genuinely.

This meeting lasted only half an hour. Gu Mingxi declined Gu Guoxiang’s offer to a meal and said that he’d already made other plans. Gu Guoxiang had no other option, and could only send him out.

Pang Qian’s red Sagitar was already parked outside the cafe. When she saw Gu Mingxi, she got out of her car. Gu Guoxiang saw the two young adults and said heavily, “Mingxi, if you run into any troubles, you can tell me. I can help you.”

Gu Mingxi was quiet for a moment, and then he nodded. “I know. (I give) thanks to you, (Dad).”

On the way to the Prosperous North, Gu Mingxi remained silent. His forehead stuck to the pa.s.senger side window as he stared out in a daze.

Blood is thicker than water– What an interesting phrase. Gu Mingxi had seen Dou Dou’s father before. When he was sober and saw the bruises and wounds all over his son’s body, he couldn’t stop himself from crying. But when he was ill (drunk?), he became a monster and lost his mind.

Dou Dou’s dad was sick, so there was some room to forgive. But Gu Mingxi’s dad?

“Do you think I’m very stubborn?” Midway into their journey, Gu Mingxi suddenly asked this question. He didn’t turn his head, just speaking softly.

Pang Qian shook her head, “I don’t.”

“When I came back, I should have taken the initiative to see him,” Gu Mingxi said. “He’s my father after all, and he raised me for many years. And when my mother was sick, it’s not that he didn’t offer any help.”

Pang Qian knew that he was just speaking out all the things on his mind, so she didn’t cut in.

Gu Mingxi finally pulled back his gaze and looked over at Pang Qian. He said, “But I can’t forget the state my mother was in when she died. Pang Pang, my mom never did anything to my dad that she would need to feel sorry about. Her life shouldn’t have been like this. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for things to have been more serious when I was electrocuted back then. If I had died then, I would have forever remained the smart, healthy, good son in my father’s memories. He would remember me, miss me, and he would love my mother even more. And then they would have been able to have another child who would be nearly 20 years old now. He or she would be studying at a top university, and be our parents’ pride.”

“Then what about me?” Pang Qian asked. “If you died, what would happen to me?”

“None of our story would have happened, Pang Pang.” He laughed lightly and even shrugged his shoulders. “You’d have a really awesome boyfriend right now, and you might even be married.”

“Did you ever consider that if you had died, I might have lived in regret for the rest of my life?” Pang Qian didn’t turn to look at him, but was focused on driving. Her tone was even and ordinary. “I was the one who threw that frisbee onto the transformer. I would have felt that I killed you.”

“What about now?” Gu Mingxi asked her. “Are you together with me to make up for it?”

“What do you think?” Pang Qian’s lips curved up. “Gu Mingxi, without you in my life, I would be a very different person now. I studied finance, so I wouldn’t enter into a money losing deal. Do you think I would stick by your side for my entire life to make it up to you, if I didn’t love you?”

He looked at her with worry. Pang Qian continued, “I’m not sure when you started thinking about ‘death,’ but from what I know about you, you’ve never thought about dying. You tried harder than anyone else to live. That’s why when you went missing and I couldn’t find you, I kept telling myself to live well, because I knew that somewhere on the map, you were working hard to live well too. I knew that we would finally meet again, and I hoped that I could become someone excellent and brand new when I stood in front of you, the way you once expected of me. Everyone else would say, ‘Pang Qian, you’re lazy and a glutton. You’re not smart, not the studying type.’ But you never gave up on me, and you kept pulling me forward. Gu Mingxi, I’m warning you, you’d better not talk about things like dying or living again! Your mom’s already pa.s.sed away. Regardless of how your relations.h.i.+p with your father turns out in the future, you have to remember this! That for me, Pang Qian, you have to keep living well!”

After she spoke, she blinked her eyes a bit. Gu Mingxi stared at her in a bit of a daze. He waited until the car stopped at a red light intersection, and then he moved closer to her and nudged her with his left shoulder.

“Pang Pang, don’t cry,” he said. “I promise you, I won’t talk about it again. Actually, what you said was right. I’ve never thought about wanting to die. I was just saying, if I had died in the beginning…”

“You’re still talking about it!” Pang Qian turned to glare at him, and Gu Mingxi quickly silenced himself. Then he said, “Okay, I won’t talk about it ever again!”

“You can’t even dare to think about it!”

“I won’t think about it.”

His face was filled with sincerity and also regret. Pang Qian finally stopped her tears and smiled. “Zhou Nanzhong was right. In the past, you were always the one to lead and guide me. In the future, I’ll be the one to lead you.”

Gu Mingxi glanced at her and thought to himself– When it came to something neither of them was familiar with, who would lead whom?

Pang Qian looked suspiciously at his reddening face and asked, “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.” He cut off his thoughts and then looked out the window at the pa.s.sing scenery.

 

Gu Mingxi didn’t meet again with Gu Guoxiang. After the Spring Festival break ended, the real estate agency was back at work. Pang Qian started taking care of the purchasing procedures. She gave all her information to the agent who went to the bank to check the mortgage. The agent said, “Ms. Pang, you have a very good job and good credit. You’ve never bought a house before either. The mortgage shouldn’t be a problem.” Gu Mingxi finally felt settled.

They spent Valentine’s Day together, though it wasn’t really a special occasion. They went to a restaurant for a meal and then went to watch a movie. Then Gu Mingxi bought Pang Qian a rose while they walked down the street.

“You’re so petty.” Pang Qian looked at the rose wrapped in clear plastic. She giggled. “You’re trying to win me over with ten dollars?”

Gu Mingxi smiled but didn’t say anything. When Pang Qian sent him back to Shark’s house, he told her quietly that the present he’d gotten her was upstairs.

Pang Qian waited in the car for him. When Gu Mingxi made his way down, there was a paper bag in his mouth.

Pang Qian happily accepted the bad and pulled out what was inside. Suddenly, she was dumbfounded. Gu Mingxi had actually bought her a purple swimsuit– And a bikini at that!

Pang Qian didn’t know what to say, and Gu Mingxi’s face reddened too. Seeing her gaze turn suspicious, he immediately explained, “I was wondering what I should buy you, and I thought I should get you something you’d use. And then I suddenly thought that it would be getting warm in a few months, and when you come to visit Sanya, you’d probably go swimming. So I bought you a swimsuit…”

“How did you buy it?” Pang Qian was very suspicious. “A grown up man like you went to the market to buy a swimsuit?”

“No…” Gu Mingxi said. “I had Xiao Le (Shark’s wife) help me out. I told her the color and style.”

“Then, then what about the size?”

“I told her.” Gu Mingxi smiled. “It should fit. Your figure, I know it well.”

Pang Qian nearly spit out blood.

After Valentine’s Day, Gu Mingxi still had another week of vacation. He decided to return to Sanya to get ready for cla.s.ses. Pang Qian was very with busy work as well. The two of them set up when they would meet again.

When Qingming came, they would head to Z City to visit Li Han’s grave. (Note: Also known as Tomb-sweeping Day, and occurs in early April on the Western calendar.)

Pang Qian seng Gu Mingxi to the airport. Before he got to security, she really couldn’t bear to see him go. She hugged him for a long while, until Gu Mingxi gave her a long kiss. Then she finally and reluctantly let him go.

After his plane took off, Pang Qian held Gu Mingxi’s thick coat in her hands, staring off in a daze. She sniffed the coat, and it was full of his scent. Pang Qian stuffed her head inside his coat, and she realized that she’d already started missing him.

Gu Mingxi flew back to Sanya and returned to his house in the Sanya Bay. He spoke with Dou Dou’s mother on the phone, who said she was a bit busy for the next few days, so she would send Dou Dou back home on the weekend.

He slept alone by himself that night. The next morning when he woke up, Gu Mingxi didn’t feel well. He was dizzy, his throat was itchy, and his nose kept running. E City was very cold, and Sanya was very warm. Gu Mingxi knew that, the sudden temperature change had caused him to catch a cold.

Gu Mingxi was very healthy and rarely got sick, but when he did get sick, it took awhile to get better. When others caught a cold, they would get better in four or five days. If he caught a cold, it got very serious. Without exception, his light cold would become serious. He would get a fever, start coughing, and he’d only slowly get better after he went to the hospital for an IV drip.

He really hated getting sick. Dou Dou was so young, so he wouldn’t be able to help him at the hospital anyway. And then he didn’t want to disturb the other teachers.

It was really a very helpless thing. Although he’d lost his two arms, he was very pa.s.sive when it came to many things.

Gu Mingxi cookied himself some congee and had that for breakfast, and then lunch, and then dinner. He sat on the tall chair in the kitchen and grabbed the food from there. Even when he started feeling dizzy and faint, he forced himself to keep eating.

When it was too tough, he would go to sleep. He didn’t even dare to turn on the air conditioning. His nose kept running, so he could only sit up time and time again to grab a tissue with his foot and raise it to his noise.

He drank a lot of water, and then he had to keep using the restroom. Every time he had to use the restroom, he always had to take off his pants and it was very annoying. Gu Mingxi grew tired of it.

That evening, Pang Qian called. Without thinking much, Gu Mingxi just picked up the phone. Pang Qian was startled to hear his hoa.r.s.e voice, and then he couldn’t help coughing a few times. Pang Qian asked, “Are you sick?”

“Mm, I caught a cold. It’s probably from the change in temperatures.” Gu Mingxi laid down on his bed, with his ear to the phone. “Don’t worry, I’ll get better soon.”

“You can only say something like that to Teacher Ji. As if I don’t know you! Who knows how long it will take you to get better after a cold!”

Hearing the anxiety in her voice, Gu Mingxi’s heart softened, and his body didn’t feel so terrible anymore. He said, “Pang Pang, hearing your voice, my head doesn’t hurt anymore. Really.”

“Have you gone to the doctor?”

“No, I don’t need it. It’s just a cold.”

“Did you take some medicine?”

“I took some White With Black.” (Note: This is an over the counter cold medicine)

“Make sure to drink a lot of water.”

“I drank a lot.”

“Did you take your temperature? Do you have a fever?”

“A little. It’s not 38 degrees yet.”

Pang Qian was silent for a moment. Then she suddenly said, “No, Gu Mingxi, I won’t talk to you now.”

She quickly hung up the phone. Gu Mingxi didn’t have the strength, so he didn’t bother calling her back. It was already 7:30 at night, and he fell asleep on his bed. Occasionally he would get up to go to the restroom or blow his nose, but most of the time, he was deep in sleep.

The sky was already dark and the world outside the window had grown quiet. At some time, the a rustle sounded from the living room.

Gu Mingxi didn’t have the strength to get up. He didn’t even open his eyes. He wondered, what was that noise? A rat? A c.o.c.kroach? A thief?

Let them be. There was nothing worth money in his house anyway. As he was thinking this, he he heard a thump sound. Gu Mingxi turned onto his side and forced his eyes open.

He heard a pair of footsteps, lightly and distinctly. The light in the living room was also on, and the rays of light came through the crack of the door.

Gu Mingxi wondered if this thief was crazy. He was stealing and he turned the lights on?!

He groggily sat up and was about to go out to see. That’s when the door to his room opened.

The living room was lit up, but his room was pitch black. That person walked toward him, her back to the light. He could only see her silhouette. He wondered if his brain was cooked and he was imagining things.

She sat down on the edge of his bed, but didn’t say his name. She just reached out her hand to feel his forehead. Quietly, she said, “Oh no, it’s a bit hot. You really have a fever.”

As she spoke, she wanted to get up and get him a towel. But just as she got up, he hurried to call out, “Don’t go.”

She turned to look at him, stunned. He was unable to grab onto her, so he sat up and leaned his whole body onto her.

She naturally embraced him and let him rest his head on her abdomen. He wasn’t wearing a s.h.i.+rt, and his body was covered in sweat. Arms around his shoulders, she said, “I’m going to get you something cold for your head.”

“Don’t go,” he said. “Don’t go. Don’t go.”

“Okay, I won’t go.” She smiled.

“Let me keep dreaming.” He laughed, his cheeks taking in the warmth of her body. He rubbed his cheek on her like a cat. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a good dream. Pang Pang, don’t go.”