111 | I’m You
Really, I don’t need you anymore.

Gu Mingxi returned to Sanya.

Just for one night.

The moon hung above the sea, the twinkling stars lighting up the sky. The coast was filled with tropical plants, and the breeze carried the scent of the sea. Gu Mingxi walked barefoot along the beach. In the daytime, the sand would be scorching hot from the sun and it would hurt to walk barefoot. But in the nighttime, the sand under his feet felt very pleasant.

There was no one by the sea side, but he didn’t find it strange. His upper body was bare and he only wore a pair of swimming trunks. When the sea water slowly washed over the backs of his feet, Gu Mingxi seemed to feel his mind get refreshed. He was a bit hot, so he needed the seawater to cool him off.

Just as he was about to walk into the water, a man’s voice sounded behind him. It was very clear, a bit low, and very familiar.

“Gu Mingxi.”

Gu Mingxi turned back and saw a young man slowly walking toward him.

He was tall, and the wind blew at his hair. His features were very clean cut, and his eyes were deep as the night. When he smiled, two canine teeth popped out.

His upper body was also bare, but he had a pair of strong and fit arms. As he walked over to Gu Mingxi, he pulled out a cigarette and a lighter from his pants pocket. He expertly lit the cigarette, closed his eyes, and took a breath.

Gu Mingxi looked at his elegant and pretty fingers, a burning cigarette between them. They both remained silent.

The two men, who looked identical, stood side by side at the sea, with the breeze blowing past them. After a long while, the man asked, “Don’t you want to know who I am?”

Gu Mingxi shook his head.”

The man lifted his right hand and poked at his chest, where his heart was. “I’m you.”

“I know,” Gu Mingxi said.

“Have you seen me before?”

“Perhaps.” Gu Mingxi smiled. “When I was younger, when I couldn’t write with my feet or eat my food, I would see you at night. When the kids bullied me and when I fell on the ground as I walked, I saw you. After I was rejected by many schools or ridiculed by others, I would also see you.”

“Right. I’ve always been with you, growing up with you.” The man smiled slightly. He played with the lighter in his right hand, looking very cool. “I kept telling you that you didn’t need to work so hard, that you were different from others, that you didn’t need to give yourself such strict demands.”

Gu Mingxi said, “Although that’s true, I don’t want to see you. It’s been a long time, and I rarely think of you anymore.”

The man laughed. “But when you graduated high school, I saw you then. Did you forget? In that park, under the parasol tree. It was raining heavily and you were crying. I know that you thought of me again then.”

That was true. Gu Mingxi’s eyes darkened.

The man continued, “And after that, we met often, didn’t we? In Z City, in S City, in Sanya… Even that year in Shanghai.”

“That’s right.” Gu Mingxi’s voice lowered, but just for a bit. Then he said firmly, “But all of that’s in the past. It’s all done with and I’m doing well now.”

“What you’re saying is that in the future, we won’t need to meet again. Is that right?” The man’s eyes carried a smile. “Gu Mingxi, no need force yourself to be brave. Everyone has times when they feel weak. Everyone desires the things they’ll never be able to attain. In your heart, I’m the most perfect version of yourself, your ultimate ideal. Although you’ve never told anyone else, I know. You can’t hide anything from me. I know that you often think, if only you were like me, things would be so great.”

The man was very handsome. He had wide shoulders and a well-developed chest. The muscles on his stomach were clearly divided. When he spoke, his hands would casually gesture. He appeared very composed and leisurely, and his eyes lit up.

Gu Mingxi smiled and said, “I don’t deny I’ve had those thoughts before, but I also can’t deny that in the past few years, I haven’t thought about it as much.”

The man thought for a moment. “That’s true. But… Gu Mingxi, you really don’t want to see me again?”

“There’s something you’re mistaken about. You’ve never been my ultimate ideal.” Gu Mingxi said calmly, “You’re just one of the thoughts I’ve had, an idea of perfection that I imagined in my head during my most helpless times. I understand what my ideal is now, so, that’s right, I don’t want to see you again.”

“You called me out to say goodbye, didn’t you?” The man asked.

Gu Mingxi’s deep eyes were like the sea beneath his feet. “Right, I wanted to say goodbye. Thank you for 22 years of accompaniment, but from now on, I don’t need you anymore.”

He took a deep breath and repeated, “Really, I don’t need you anymore.”

Just as he spoke the words, the man’s smoke finished. As the light extinguished between his fingers, his entire person gradually turned transparent, a look of relief on his face. The tide flowed across the sand again. When the water touched his feet, he disappeared in an instant just like bubbles bursting.

There was only one Gu Mingxi left at the sea side. He lowered his head and looked at his shoulders. Aside from the scars at his underarm area, there was nothing there.

 

He stood there along for a long time, and then he walked into the sea. When he was waist-deep in the water, he took a step and then his entire person fell into the water. Gu Mingxi took a breath and rolled over before swimming leisurely in the backstroke position.

The tide pushed his body along, wave after wave. He kicked his legs and floated on the water, slowly opening his eyes to look at the expanse of sky above him. In the vase universe, the human species looks particularly small. Gu Mingxi looked at the clear image of the Milky Way, just like a misty ribbon floating through the night sky. From his memories, he recognized several stars.

He was born on Qixi, so ever since he was young, he had a special feeling for the Milky Way.

When he was younger, Li Han taught Gu Mingxi how to recognize the stars. On either side of the Milky Way, there was the weaving girl star and the cowherd star. There were two stars by the cowherd star, the cowherd and the weaving girl’s children. The cowherd carried the two children with a shoulder pole. Every year, the cowherd would walk onto the magpie bridge to meet the weaving girl, and so the little stars were called pole stars.

After he learned about it, he went to tell his father. After listening to his narrative, his father said that the proper name that scientists used for the cowherd star was Altair. And the two pole stars next to it were Beta Aquilae and Gamma Aquilae.

“The story of the cowherd and the weaving girl is just a legend.” Gu Guoxiang pat Gu Mingxi’s head and said, “Mingxi, you’re a boy. You have to understand how to separate fantasy from reality.”

How could the 5 year old Gu Mingxi separate fantasy from reality? Later on, after he lost his arms, he finally understood how cruel reality could be.

The warm sea water enveloping his body reminded him of being in his mother’s arms.

As he thought of his mother, he heard her voice sound in his ears.

She called him, “Mingxi, Mingxi…”

Gu Mingxi closed his eyes and smiled as he responded, “Mom.”

“Mingxi, how are you now?” Li Han asked. “I miss and worry about you a lot.”

“I’m doing well, Mom. Don’t worry,” he said. “Pang Qian and I ended up together. We got married. Did you see?”

“I saw it all.” Li Han smiled. “My son was really handsome, and Qian Qian was extremely beautiful.”

She paused for a moment, and then in a particularly gentle voice, she said, “Mingxi, you’ve married now. You’ll be family with Qian Qian from now on. You have to remember what I told you. Take care of her. Qian Qian’s a very good girl. I trust that together, you two will be very happy.”

Gu Mingxi wanted to open his eyes and see her, but he was afraid that after he opened his eyes, there would be nothing there. He just nodded firmly, eyes still closed. “Mom, I won’t let her down.”

“My son’s all grown up.” Li Han laughed gently. “Mingxi, I have to go.”

He couldn’t bear to part with her. “Mom, stay with me a little longer, won’t you?”

Li Han sighed. “Silly kid.”

The next second, Gu Mingxi felt that he’d been pulled into a warm embrace. Two arms were wrapped around his body, gently patting his back. He did all he could to move into her, like a drowning person, trying to absorb all the warmth of her body.

“Gu Mingxi, Gu Mingxi.”

He heard a familiar female voice in his ear.

At first, it sounded like a little girl’s voice, and then it became a young and tender voice. Gradually, it turned into a crisp sounding young woman. And finally, it sounded soft and smooth, like honey.

“Gu Mingxi, Gu Mingxi, Gu Mingxi…”

He seemed distracted for a moment, and then he felt an incomparable peace of mind. In her arms, he muttered, “They’ve all gone.”

“Who’s gone?”

“My mom, my other self…”

“Mm, they’ve all gone,” Pang Qian responded. She kissed his forehead and said, “You’ve drunk too much. Go to sleep early.”

Gu Mingxi felt like he was sleeping on the gra.s.s. On a summer evening, with empty s.p.a.ce all around him, the breeze blew gently against the gra.s.s, and all sorts of insects sand. He smelled a lingering and familiar scent. As if calming his mind, he contentedly closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

When Gu Mingxi woke up, the sky was already bright. The sunlight streamed into the room through the curtains. He drowsily opened his eyes and turned over, pus.h.i.+ng himself up slowly.

Pang Qian was still lying beside him, sound asleep. Gu Mingxi got out of bed and realized that he was missing a chunk of his memory. He’d drunk a lot at the wedding last night and the last thing he remembered was those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds insisting on coming over to his house. And then they all drank crazily again. The last he remembered, he was still wearing a formal s.h.i.+rt and suit pants, with a tie around his neck. But now, he was wearing comfortable pajamas, and it seemed like he’d already washed up.

Gu Mingxi walked over to the window and pushed open the curtain with his shoulder and cheek. The bright sunlight immediately lit up the room, the warmth enveloping the bed. Pang Qian turned over and woke up. She saw Gu Mingxi standing by the window and then got out of bed as well. She walked over barefoot and hugged him from behind.

“Husband, good morning.” She whispered as she rested her cheek against his back.

“Good morning.” Gu Mingxi was still looking out the window. “Wife, the weather’s really nice today.”

After he stood in her embrace for awhile, he suddenly felt the back of his neck start to itch. Gu Mingxi turned around and saw Pang Qian holding a white feather.

The feather wasn’t exactly small, and in the middle, there was a thick rachis. Pang Qian giggled as she waved the soft and gentle feather around, amused.

Gu Mingxi asked, “What’s that?”

Pang Qian swept the feather along his cheek and said, “I don’t know either. Xiao Yujing stuffed it inside her red envelope.”

Gu Mingxi looked it over carefully and then suddenly realized.

He recalled an email Xiao Yujing had sent him before the wedding. In the email, she shared a story of when she was younger. After the story, Xiao Yujing said: Mr Ostrich, Happy Marriage.

He suddenly gave a light laugh. Pang Qian asked, “What are you laughing about?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head. Then he lowered his head and sucked on her lip. Pang Qian pushed him away, “You haven’t brushed your teeth yet!”

“I want to make up for the homework we didn’t get to do last night.” He bit her ear. In a hoa.r.s.e voice, he said, “You only get a wedding night once in a lifetime. I drank too much. I’m really sorry.”

“…” Pang Qian looked at him oddly. “You really don’t remember anything?”

Gu Mingxi asked innocently, “What should I remember?”

Pang Qian silently pulled at her s.h.i.+rt collar, revealing a red hickey on her shoulder. She shyly said, “Actually… We already finished the homework last night.”

Gu Mingxi stared dumbfounded for a moment before his eyes lit up and turned. He kissed her shoulder again, his tongue gliding over the hickey. In a quiet voice, he said, “The teacher said we have to re-do the homework.”

“…”

 

After the end of the National Day holiday, Pang Qian and Gu Mingxi returned to Shanghai. Pang Qian’s course load was very heavy, so her schedule was packed. Thankfully, Zou Liwen had previously reminded her about getting an immunization shot, and so Pang Qian was able to push through her busy school life.

Gu Mingxi wasn’t at all relaxed either. Aside from schoolwork, he also had to work on his ill.u.s.trated book. That was Pang Qian’s and his source of money for the next few years. He was very detailed with his drawings and constantly consulted with Jiang Qi. He rarely even went out on the weekends.

Pang Qian knew about his deadlines, so she didn’t complain about anything. On a weekend afternoon, Gu Mingxi was still sitting in his studio drawing. Pang Qian was a bit bored, so she and Wu Feiyan and Yang Lu went out to shop.

The girls conversation topics were a bit limited. When the three girls were drinking coffee at the coffee shop, Wu Feiyan asked Pang Qian when she planned to have a child.

Pang Qian replied depressed, “My team leader told me to have a kid while I was working on my degree. Is that really normal?”

“It is!” Yang Lu said. “Do you remember when we were in our third year, we had a senior who was pregnant while she was doing her graduate studies. She kept studying, and after nine months of being pregnant, she took some time off to take care of her kid. After another half a year, I heard that she applied for a year’s deferment on her graduation. When she graduated, her kid could already walk and talk, and then she just started working right away.”

“I seem to recall that, but I want to experience a world with just the two of us for awhile.” Pang Qian curled her lips. “We just got married.”

Yang Lu laughed. “Haven’t you already lived with your husband for a year? You haven’t had enough time?”

“Please. What do you mean a year? Before June, we were both busy studying for the entrance exams. After June, we were busy with marriage preparations. We haven’t even gone on a honeymoon yet!”

Speaking of honeymoons, the topic suddenly changed. Wu Feiyan asked, “Where do you plan to go for your honeymoon?”

Pang Qian’s face lit up and she raised up a finger. “Oh! Greece, Maldives, Fiji, Australia. Which one do you guys think is better?”

“I liked Maldives!” Yang Lu said. “I’m definitely going there for my honeymoon.”

“I’ve been before, to the Island Hideaway. It was pretty nice, but I heard that Fiji is really pretty too. You can go scuba diving.” Wu Feiyan asked Pang Qian, “You want to go to Greece?”

“Mm, I want to go to Greece the most. When our company organized a European tour, we only went to England, Italy, and France before heading home. We didn’t get to go to Greece.” Pang Qian found it regretful. “Gu Mingxi said that we’ll take our honeymoon over the Spring Festival, so I have to pick a place in the next few months. Aiya, just thinking about it makes me excited.”

Yang Lu curled her lips. “You’re terrible. Now, I want to get married too.”

Wu Feiyan asked, “Oh yeah, how are you and your boyfriend doing?”

Their conversation finally turned to a man.

……

Gu Mingxi submitted the final draft for his newest book in mid January. After completing the major project, he slept at home for two days to recuperate. And then, before the end of the school term, he and Pang Qian set their honeymoon destination– Fiji.

Pang Qian was a very active kind of person. She speedily bought plane tickets and a hotel. Then she bought a bunch of new clothes for herself and Gu Mingxi, including a cute couple outfit and a pretty straw hat. She bought an underwater camera case and snorkeling gear, and then she bought plane tickets to Sanya for her parents so that they could spend some time in warm Sanya over the winter.

Pang Qian spent her time on a traveler’s forum, looking over others’ travel guides. Then she would discuss with Gu Mingxi about how they ought to spend their time in Fiji and what they would eat.

Gu Mingxi listened to her call her best friends. She happily said, “Yeah, we’re having our honeymoon over the Spring Festival. We’re going to Fiji. I’ll bring back presents for you!”

Everything was ready, and all they had to do was board the plane now.

The Spring Festival of 2013 was Pang Qian and Gu Mingxi’s first one after their marriage. Their family went back and forth between houses for New Year’s dinners. On the fourth of the new year, Pang Qian saw her parents off at the airport.

She and Gu Mingxi would be heading out on the sixth (of the new lunar year). On the morning of the fifth, Pang Qian was packing up their things, when she suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable. She went to the bathroom and returned with a doubtful expression.

“What’s wrong?” Gu Mingxi saw that her complexion didn’t seem to be very good. He hurried over and asked, “Where is it uncomfortable?”

“It can’t be…” Pang Qian’s mouth dropped. She said, “Do you remember when my last period came?”

Gu Mingxi thought for a moment and then said, “January 7th.”

Pang Qian’s eyes widened. “How do you remember so clearly?”

“The day I had to submit my final draft was the last day of your period, so…” He laughed gently. “What’s wrong? Did your period come? Does that mean you can’t go swimming while we’re in Fiji for a few days? You should probably be able to go in for the last few days.”

Pang Qian blinked her eyes. “Gu Mingxi, what’s today’s date?”

He answered, “It’s Valentine’s Day, February 14th. Didn’t you say last night that I should make you a big meal tonight?”

“The 14th?” Pang Qian screamed out as she held her cheek. “Today’s not the 5th?! How can it be the 14th?!”

“It’s the 5th of the new (lunar) year, so it’s the 14th (of February).” Gu Mingxi knew that she was exhausted from the New Year’s activities. “Pang Pang, what’s wrong?”

“I-I-I…” Her face paled as she stuttered. “Gu Mingxi, I might be… It’s just a possibility. I’m not sure. I-I’m just guessing. I might be pregnant.”

Gu Mingxi: ⊙ o ⊙

Pang Qian suspected she was pregnant because her underpants were stained slightly. Women understood their bodies well. Her period had always been very regular, and now, it was already a week late. She knew that meant the she might’ve hit the prize.

When Gu Mingxi accompanied Pang Qian to the hospital, his face was taut. Pang Qian was just worried about whether they’d be able to go on their trip tomorrow. They could get a refund for the plane tickets, but they couldn’t for the hotel. It was a lot of money!

There weren’t a lot of people going to see the doctor over the Spring Festival. The obstetrician on duty helped Pang Qian with her blood test. An hour later, the doctor told her that she was pregnant. But her progesterone levels were low, so she should be careful and rest for the following few days.

Pang Qian’s first question was, “Doctor, I’m going on my honeymoon tomorrow. We have to transfer flights as well. It’s a 13 hour ride. Do you think I can fly?”

The doctor raised their eyebrows at her. “What do you think?”

“…” Pang Qian turned to glare at the man at the side, who already seemed to be out of sorts. “It’s your fault! Gu Mingxi, I hate you! I hate you!”

When they returned home, Pang Qian looked at the luggage in the living room and the half filled travel bag in the bedroom. Then her tears started falling.

As she cried, she started calling the airline to cancel their tickets. As she cried, she went online to discuss the possibility of getting a refund for their hotel room. She knew that, at most, she’d only be able to get half the money back, so her crying escalated in intensity.

Finally, as she cried, she called her parents. Jin Aihua was extremely startled by Pang Qian’s sniffling sounds. She asked, “Qian Qian, what’s wrong? Did Mingxi bully you? Did you two fight? Are you still going on your honeymoon tomorrow? Don’t cry. Tell me, who wronged you?”

Pang Qian suddenly started crying. “Mom! I’m pregnant! …(crying sounds)…”

Jin Aihua, “…”

Gu Mingxi stayed right by her side. Wherever she went, he would follow. When she sat down, he would stand by her side. Finally, Pang Qian yelled at him, “Why do you keep following me?! You b.a.s.t.a.r.d! I hate you!”

She wiped away her tears. Since there was no one else at home, she could scream as loud as she wanted. She started to list all her accusations. “It’s all your fault! It was that time! While we were showering, you said you had to do it! You were in such a rus.h.!.+ What for?! Why couldn’t you just wait?! Now… Great! I don’t get my honeymoon anymore! My Fiji… (crying sounds)…”

Gu Mingxi tried to comfort her. “Pang Pang, It was my fault. Don’t cry. Be careful of your health.”

Pang Qian shouted out loud, “What do you know?! I’m pregnant! It’s easy for your emotions to go out of control when you’re pregnant!”